Stupefying. That is about the only word to describe how this past year has been. I cannot believe how many times I have been pushed around. Pushed down. Pushed away. So much of my personal life whirls chaotically around me in hurricane-force winds. And I am in the center of the storm.
In truth, I have bothered close friends with my tales of woe. At least parts of it. You have to have that release. Knowing that no one will actually read this, yet thousands have the chance to see it, makes writing here the hardest. But I need an outlet. Something that allows me to whine, complain, but most importantly never reacts with judgement or pity. I don't need either. I don't need answers. I need the release.
I just want to be released from the negativity. I am a if-the-glass-has-something-in-it-I-still-use-a-varying-degree-of-full kind of guy. Right now, I am empty of positiveness. I crave any glimmer of hope. Of light.
I am tired of doors closing. I am tired of moving towards something only to have it derailed. I am tired of feeling stupefied.
I know there are no details. I don't have it within me to write about/relive some of the events. I just needed to rant, scream, mash keys, and release the feelings. Here's hoping this helps.