Stuperstition

So, I have been under the weather this week. The weather is most likely the culprit in this, as it keeps going into the 80's and then a few days later down into the 40's and 50's.
I cope with my sickness through hibernation. Leave me alone and let me sleep. So none of my laundry was washed - for a while. (Yes, we each do our own laundry. That way I don't mis-wash her items. Yes, that did happen. Lesson learned.)

Now, I am doing laundry today. But I ran down to the last of everything before that. And you know that underwear that would embarrass Mom if one is in an accident? I am wearing them.

Needless to say, I'm going nowhere. Not until the first load is done.

Top 6 Things I Hate About Hospitals

1. Old Nurses - I realize that they have seen EVERYTHING, including Washington crossing the Delaware, but why do they have to give such attitude when you ask questions? Fortunately, we only had to deal with one of these with Chase. It was during the first or second day, and we really had not had any good explanations about Chase yet. Her face just showed annoyance to any question asked. She seemed most annoyed when I asked if there was another nurse that could take care of Chase. *sheesh*
2. The term "Stable" - I guess that's more efficient and more clinical than saying, "Well, he's not getting any worse, but he's really not getting better..."
3. Seeing any child hospitalized - It's horrible, but there were several times I thanked God that Chase was not any worse than the dozens of kids we had to pass by every day. And then you feel guilty. And you say a silent prayer for those kids. And you hug your child.
4. W_a_i_t_i_n_g - For the doctor to come by. For the next drug being pumped into your son to work. For test results to come back. For mystery diseases to finally reveal themselves. For discharge paperwork.
5. Bad cable reception and no Internet - If you check into any hotel, you get these things standard. And they are no way near as costly a night like a hospital room.
6. The physical toll - Crappy food or fast food eaten on the fly, lousy sleeping arrangements, very little sleep either from nurses waking you or simply worrying, and mental exhaustion wear your body down.

Top 6 Things I Like About Hospitals

1. Older Doctors - They may make you wait, but when they get there they do take the time. And have no problem giving you the answers to your questions.
2. Young Nurses - Okay, not because they are perky and cute. They really are great around kids. They are exactly perfect for working in Pediatrics. (And because they are perky and cute!)
3. Visits from sports players and Ronald McDonald - They don't have to do it, but it is so great that they do!
4. Wheelchair rides around the hospital - The change of scenery, even if it is to the x-ray room, is still refreshing and welcome.
5. All the latex-free gloves you can stuff in your pockets. - The way I look at it, I've paid for them, many times over.
6. Everyone finally going home together. - A house is never so empty as when you are in it alone. Especially when you don't know when your child will be able to come home. But, that all disappears instantly when a child's laughter fills it again.

I Miss MST3K

There is not one single show on any channel that I miss more than Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's been perhaps 10 years since it was on? It was inventive, sarcastic and above all, damn funny. It was not really mean or mean-spirited. It did not attack or debase anyone. It simply made fun of movies the same way any one of us would. If, say, we were forced to watch bad 50's movies with a couple of our quick-witted smart ass friends. Or with a couple of robots.
I don't know if I would watch it with my child, but truly, there isn't any comedic show now that I could/should/would show him. At least he would enjoy Tom Servo and Crow. And I know he would laugh at the right moments. Even if he didn't get the joke, he would get the punchline.

S - IALD

Do you know how frustrating it is to always be the smartest person in the room, day after day?

Actually, no. You don't.

Dumb, Stupid Dubber

Okay, Dubber is not dumb or stupid. I am simply tranferring my angst and anger! Dumb, stupid tests...
Why do I torture myself? Just because there is a kooky test or puzzle, doesn't mean I have to click on it. It doesn't even mean I have to finish it!
Yet, here is the result of my nerd test:



Now I have always known, deep down inside, was a geek that would sit and read just about every comic book ever made by DC Comics, (Only Spider-man ever garnered my attention at Marvel.) all the while the old Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica tv series would be playing in the background. Still, I managed to satiate that urge with "real" books and Star Wars. Little did I realize that by doing so, I unwittingly created a rather balanced inner child.
Then this Nerd Test! This damnable scourge has now revealed this to the world! It has unleashed the child in the same manner a young Wart managed to pull the sword Excalibur from the stone!
Yes, I am your Cool Nerd King! Bow before me, ye awkward Dorks! Kneal and kiss my ring, ye nerds!
Trust well that I will be a benevolent ruler. We shall discuss how R2-D2 is the true main character of "Star Wars"! We shall argue as to which is faster, Superman or The Flash! But never, will I impose upon you the remake of "Bionic Woman", unless of course you find her hawt!

Our first order of business for the Round Table: "The Blair Witch Project" is a modern retelling of "Hansel and Gretel". Discuss!

I Aspire To Be Neal Boortz

Neal Boortz gets to rant and rave for 4 hours on our local radio station. He covers the gamut from national topics to the issues of everyday life and imparts his opinion with intelligence and common sense.
I came across his Top Ten Thoughts for 2008, and had to share.
Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax Cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2. In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world Is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008: 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow'.

I think Number 6 is my favorite. *giggle*
Oh, and John, you should really like him. He's a Texas A&M grad and (former) lawyer.

A Favorite Quote

This has been attributed to many different sources. I do not know for a fact who the author is to give them proper credit. Be that as it may:

"They say such nice things about people at funerals that it makes me quite sad to realize that I will miss mine by just a few days."

My New Tagline

And really the motto for my life:

Sometimes you just have to hit the screw harder. Where is that little trademark symbol when you need it?

I love juxtaposition. I like when two incongruous images crash into each other and become symbolic of something larger.

This, my friends, is the system by which I have lived my life thus far, and will continue to do so as long as I have breath. At least until I win the lottery.

It was 82 degrees yesterday. Today we may tie the record of 84. Not blogging about the weather. I just wanted to gloat. If say you live in Dallas or St. Louis, I cannot even lie and say I feel your pain. I'll be out (maybe to a theme park) enjoying the blue skies and warm sun. I'll be wearing a tee shirt, shorts and a smile.

There is a cold front coming this weekend. We will only get up to the "average" temperatures for this time of year: 74.

:)

Lessons Learned as a Child - Part Two

A continuation of lessons found here:

1. The two best flavors of ice cream are vanilla and whatever flavor Daddy is eating.
2. The ground hurts your head, no matter how close you are to the ground when you fall.
3. Do not honk the horn when Daddy is working on the car.
4. Cats are mean. Especially when you pull on their tails.
5. Fish really like baths. They never seem to get clean, though.
6. Daddy is ALWAYS grumpy at 4:30 a.m.
7. Mommy must be afraid of the monsters, too. She never checks all of the hiding places like Daddy does.
8. Mommy has a three "why?" limit. I don't know why.
9. Cookies always taste better when Grandma makes them.
10. Grandpa buys me the best toys, like drums and horns. But I can only play them when I go home.
11. No matter how bad I hurt, mommy's kiss makes it all better.
12. I have it too easy. Daddy reminds me of this every day.

Ikea is a Four-Letter Word

So Thursday last, I ventured into Ikea for the very first time. It just opened the day before, so the excitement and buzz about it was still strong. My wife, no stranger to Ikea (she's visited others), was making her second trip in as many days. Many people had told me it was not a store, but an experience. Now I understand. For the three other people in the entire world who haven't been in one, and to get this out of my head, let me share my thoughts.
My wife, bless her heart, wanted so much to prepare me for this. I did not wish to have my visit tainted with any fore-knowledge. I wanted to jump in blindly and immerse myself without a clue. She allowed me this to start. Within 15 seconds upon entering, I turned to my knowing partner (smiling like the Cheshire Cat) and said, "What the hell!?!" She knows I am really a big-picture guy and this was not going to be any fun if she did not give me the lay of the land. And even with her apt description, I was still befuddled. She told me it was like a maze. First you see how the products look in the top floor showrooms, write down what you want, then the bottom floor you pick it up. This was helpful to a point. But here is how I describe it.
You are one of the Israelites freed from the slavery of Egypt. You and the hundreds (thousands, even) of others are on your trek through the wilderness to the promised land. At first, you are not sure you want to go. Then the Red Sea parts (doors open) and you feel like this will be a great journey! You then begin your 40-year trek of meandering through the wilderness. Some complain that they really didn't want to leave their homes (mostly guys). Some complain they are tired and must rest a spell (mostly kids). But almost all complain they are hungry. Never fear; God has provided manna. Halfway through your visit is a restaurant. Still more meandering. Then there is more meandering. Still more complaining, but no more places to rest. Then finally you spy the promised land (checkout). But first, all the items you wrote down must be found. After some recon work (the Israelites sent out spies, too.), all items are aquired and you have finally made it through.
Now if all that stuff will fit on the camel, you are good to go!

Less Packing and More Pondering

I am at that dreaded packing point. It is still a few days before we move, but I am down to those items deemed "essential for everyday existence." The bathroom and kitchen look like they were looted the day after Katrina hit. So I am taking a break to get a little internet fix before heading to bed.

Ponder:
Did Great Britain have some pandemic that wiped out the comedy part of their brains? (Stay with me for a second.) It seems that sometime, maybe early 80's or so, that some heinous event occurred and the entire country lost its sense of humor. That is the only thing I can think of that would cause PBS to continue to run the britcoms from the 60's and 70's. No more appear to exist past this era.
Okay, so that is sort of grumpy. I simply cannot fathom why people continue to support PBS in the age of cable. You want children's programming? Three to five other channels do that. Science and technology? History? At least 10 channels. British comedy? BBCAmerica. Hello! Some of them are from the 90's!
I guess the one thing PBS has over the other ones are cool t-shirts and mugs. Er, no. Not that either. (PBS is quickly becoming Pathetically Bad Station.)

I dream in color. I know that science poo-poos this, but really how do they know? Hook you up to some high-tech device that displays your dreams? Maybe they didn't adjust the picture correctly. Anyway, I know I dream in color because sometimes I dream I am a Smurf. And my light sabre usually is a wicked yellow. Lately it's been green.

My guilty pleasure is watching "Cheaters". That show cracks me up. Especially when the cheater gets all righteous and insulted that the cheated didn't trust them. And when there is a hidden camera at the house that captures some salacious act, but they use that huge pixelation so you can't tell what is going on. I think sometimes the cheater and co. are probably just eating fried chicken, but they needed to pad the show for ratings.
The thing that I still don't understand is how these people find time to have a double life. And what is gained by staying in a relationship that obviously isn't cutting it for them anymore. I guess they aren't thinking. And deserve to get caught like this.

And finally, after noticing a trend of bad TV watching in these last 2 posts, I need to get to bed. But first, Two and Half Men reruns are about to come on. Maybe more fodder for another inane post!

Packing and Pondering

Long month.
We are moving, so pretty much all spare time is taken for packing up all our stuff. And throwing out all the stuff we don't use. George Carlin talked about the difference between stuff and s***. Stuff is what you have; what you own. S*** is what someone else has. Right now, I feel like I have a bunch of s***.

Random ponderings:
Live Free or Die Hard is THE BEST TITLE EVER. I haven't seen the movie yet. Don't really need to. It has Bruce in it and is in the Die Hard series. I will own it soon enough. And wear out my DVD player watching it over and over.
Runner-up title: God May Have Forgiven You, But I Won't. I think this is both a movie (Western, of course) and the title of a song (Country, of course).

It is cheaper now to buy a new printer than to buy the replacement inks. How messed up is that? Soon, someone will come out with disposable printers. Worked with razors and cameras.

I love Mythbusters. But I want them to tackle the similes. You know, are foxes really crazy? Are tacks sharp? In truth, I think the show may have run its course. Some of the things they test anymore don't grab me like they used to.

Okay, enough. Be back soon!

Avenging My Brother

It was already dark when I arrived in Casper, Wyoming. I burst into the Flaming Mongol restaurant, pushed the Maitre D' against the wall, and snorted, "Where is he?" Stunned, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. That's when I raised him off the floor and pressed my elbow into his Adam's apple. He pointed a shaky finger towards the back of the restaurant to the door marked "Private."
I kicked the door in and surprised the three Asian men. They were gathered around a desk covered with drugs, guns and money. The two younger men went for the guns. But before either could pull a trigger, I emptied my clip into their torsos. Stepping over their bleeding bodies, I walked towards the older man. He cowered behind the desk. I changed the clip in my pistol as I stared menacingly at him. I reached over and pulled the old man up by his shirt until we were eye to eye.
"You remember this man?", I asked. I shoved a picture of my brother in his face. Trembling, he muttered, "No."
"Take a closer look. Last night. He ate here." That's when I saw the look of recognition come over his face. I punched him in the nose. The blow knocked him into the wall and he slid down. Fearfully, he held his nose, blood covering his hands and shirt. I caressed my pistol and stared down at him. I turned and started walking out.
"The next time he asks for duck sauce and you give him sweet and sour instead, I won't be so nice."

God Has a Wonderful Sense of Humor

By now, you have probably seen the article about how astronomers have found a "hole" in the Universe. If not, go here to read about it. Don't worry, we'll wait.

Okay, so my first question is: How is there a "hole" in a void. I mean even with the dark matter theory to help "fill in" some of the gaps, still this strikes me as hilarious.
But more importantly: Is it in the center of everything? If so, are we then just a sprinkle on the donut that is the cosmos?

Apparently, I have to quit posting when I'm hungry.

Word as Art

Starting with the 20th Century, visual arts moved away from representational depiction to abstraction. Images were reduced to show action, movement, feeling, or to reflect inner qualities instead of appearance. Both two and three dimensional arts moved from a direct form of communication to more thoughtful expression of the subject. (See, I do get to my BFA every once in a while!)
But this leads me to literary arts. For the most part the same form of storytelling has been used for centuries. Very simply stories are broken into 5 parts; exposition, conflict, climax, resolution, and denouement.
I think it is time to change that. After looking at all the various movements in the visual arts, I am spearheading the surrealist movement. When history looks back, and you know they will, you can say that you witnessed the beginnings. With that I give you this:

Apple wings touching purple. Seven penguins eat the stain-glass hamburgers. The pale wind searches for the vapid trees for cinnamon. Remember the brick insects, traipsing along the glistening few.

Of course, as with all new movements, the first attempts are simpler, often carrying one theme. Here I was hungry as I wrote that. I think the image of the diner called Camellia Grill in New Orleans probably comes across a little too obvious. The sacrifices we make for art.

Edit: Okay, some might say that poetry has already embraced this genre. Some might also say that hunger got the best of me. I say some people talk too much.

Expect the Unexpected

There is a logic paradox called the Unexpected Hanging. If you are not aware of story it goes something like this:

A man commits a heinous crime and is being sentenced by the judge. The judge, known to be a man who kept his word, told the prisoner, "Because your crime is so heinous, this is worst thing I can do you. You will be hanged at dawn one day next week. To make your last days on this Earth troubled, you will not know what day it will be."
The prisoner is shaken and white as a sheet. He sees his lawyer has a smile on his face. The prisoner asks, "How can you possibly find this amusing?" The lawyer says, "Don't you see? The sentence cannot be carried out."
Puzzled, the prisoner says, "What do you mean?" The lawyer says, "Look at it this way. The judge said you will not know which day you will be hanged. But you cannot possibly be hanged on Saturday. On Friday, you would know without a doubt that you will be hanged on Saturday. The judge said you would not know the day. So you cannot possibly be hanged, as this would go against the judge's orders."
The prisoner rubs his chin and says, "I see." The lawyer then says, "You cannot be hanged on Friday, either. On Thursday, you would know that you could not be hanged on Saturday. That only leaves Friday as the day to hang you. But again, you would know this. And that violates the judge's sentence."
The prisoner says, "You are right. Thursday is also out, because I know I cannot be hanged on Friday or Saturday. It's the same for Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday and Sunday!" The lawyer says, "Exactly! You cannot be hanged without violating the judge's sentence!"

August 1st, 2005, was an eventful day. It started out as normal. I got up and went in to work as usual. We were resetting the sales floor that day because had new furniture. Most of it back-to-school related. There was also a new dining table; very ornate and very heavy. We put the legs on and went to flip it over. That is when I felt something searing hot in my back.

It felt like someone was trying to brand me, just from the inside out. Then, as if on some hellish cue, pain shot up and then down my spine. Dazed, I sat down in the chair that was waiting to match up with the table. That's when I thought, "Okay. Don't move.", followed by, "Idiot, if you didn't move, how did you end up in the chair?"

This twisted banter lasted a few moments as I began moving extremities. Toes first. Check. Feet. Check. Legs. Ouch!
As I moved my right leg, I could feel a tearing sensation in my lower right back. I told another manager that something was wrong. After my story, she echoed the thought in my head. "Idiot."

Since I knew nothing was broken. I asked her to help me into the office. There, I laid down on the floor. The hard, cold floor. I had hoped that this would let my spine and muscles relax while keeping everything straight. After 15 minutes, several people checking on me (so they could call me idiot, too), and no change, the realization hit me hard. In 20 years of working, I was a worker's comp claim.

I called my wife and had her come and take me to the clinic. Still in excruciating pain, I suffered through waiting for the doctor. I knew what he would say. "You strained a muscle. Idiot." In truth, I would not have even gone, except I knew this would get me out of work for at least a couple of days as well as something that would MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!

We go to the first Walgreen's we can find, and Kat goes in while I try to figure out how I would exist in the uncomfortable car seat waiting for the prescription to be filled. I also realized it was after 1 pm and was hungry. When she got back, we headed for my favorite Chinese restaurant. It happened to be in the same area.

We sat down in a booth, ordered, and I took some medicine. Kat went to the restroom and I tried willing the medicine to burst out of my stomach and directly to back. I had just settled into the least painful position I could find, when Kat came back. She wanted to sit beside me. I wanted her to go to the other side. She got her way, and sat close and held me. I could only think that she must really like seeing me in pain, and wanted a close-up view. I looked at her and she met my eyes. Then she said, "I'm pregnant."

On Tuesday morning at dawn, the prisoner was awakened from a restful slumber, led to the gallows and hanged. And the prisoner never expected it.

Yes, I know that this is a strange parallel. But bear with me. You see, we had tried having a child earlier. There were issues, including an ectopic pregnancy as well as the loss of one ovary. The embryo had formed outside the womb, even outside of the fallopian tube. The doctor had to go inside and remove the embryo. While there, she noted one of the ovaries was not normal. I had to make the decision while Kat was under whether or not to remove the ovary. Toughest. Decision. I. Ever. Made.

Babies went on the back burner after that. Kat decided to finish college and try graduate school. This led us to New Orleans, then Orlando. That's where the subject of babies came up again.

So here we go, with worse-case scenarios running through my head. Does this one ovary produce eggs? Does it fire one each month, or is it every other month? If it's been every month, has it depleted its supply? Will this little baby call me an idiot?

Even then, knowing that we were just beginning this adventure, I did not expect results so quickly!

It seems that Kat had a feeling that very morning. She was certain, but when she went in to Walgreen's she bought a pregnancy test. Then, while at the restaurant, she took the test in the restroom. She knew she could not wait to tell me, so she came directly to me right then.

But she got an unexpected reaction. I was so focused on my pain and hunger, I was sitting there in stunned silence. Then I said, "You couldn't wait until I was in a better state of mind?"

Looks like everyone was right. I was an idiot that day. And I never expected any of it.

My Blog, My Topic

This is from the comic strip "Pearls Before Swine" by Stephan Pastis. He fills the void left by "Far Side" and "Calvin and Hobbes" quite fittingly. And this seemed utterly appropriate.

Enjoy!

(Also, check out the strip from 7/20. I think he's reading these blogs!)

Be Careful What You Ask For

Okay, John. Just out of pure snarkiness, I present to you this:

This is Ming Court, located in the attractions area on International Drive. In truth, I have eaten there once, and it was a few years ago. I had Mongolian Beef. I was more impressed with the atmosphere than the food, however. The entrance winds its way across a koi pond and the transition from Florida to somewhere in China is well done.

And even as I post this, I realize that NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH! OR IF YOU HAD LUNCH FOR BREAKFAST! OR WHAT YOU HAD FOR DINNER! Hell, I don't even care what I had, and I ate it!

For anyone thoroughly confused, or simply bored, it all started right here. Then continued here.

Have a GREAT DAY!