May 25, 2007

I've Seen The Future, And It Will Be

I was watching a special about how after the shuttle program is finally scuttled (yes, I was also watching Pirates of the Caribbean.) that we will again begin our journey back to the moon. Part of me is happy that finally, we will once again take that baby step towards exploring the planets and their satellites. Then we can form alliances with the multitudes of races we encounter. And if need be, rebel against the imperial forces. Maybe get into a few spaceship dogfights, using lasers. (Yes, I was also watching Star Wars. 30th anniversary and all.)

Another part of me wonders why it has taken us thirty years to get back there, or to even want to go back. Our technology today is so far ahead of where we were in the fifties and sixties. Yet those scientists and pioneers of the time dreamed of not only getting to the moon, but to Jupiter and Pluto and Beyond! They theorized about all the alien lifeforms we would encounter. They even gave us glimpses as to what the future would hold. And what devices we would need in these brave new worlds.

I guess a big part of me is disappointed. And mad. Actually furious. I mean, why were we not able to devise and build any of these technological marvels? Why are we not living in the "space age"? What has happened, or not happened, that we do not have any of the following:

1. Where is my pet monkey? They told us all about how there would come a horrific disease that would wipe out cats and dogs. I'm looking around, and I still see cats and dogs! Sure they are great companions and all, but monkeys would be way cooler. They could do tasks for us. Ask your dog or cat to do the dishes. Nothing. If you were to ask the pet monkey you should have right now, I know he would do them! I think if given enough training, monkeys could become advanced enough to be almost human! Maybe even learn to talk! Alas, it is still a dream. If I did have a pet monkey, I'd call him Cornelius. Or maybe Caesar.

2. I want a flying car. With escalating gas prices, we should be looking at alternatives to the internal combustion engine. Clearly, this is the fault of car makers and gas companies. They are sitting on these plans. Anti-gravity devices were always talked about until the seventies. Then we had our first oil crisis. And no one has talked about them since. Conspiracy I tell you.

3. Lightsabers. I want a blue one. Enough said.

4. Time machines. How will we ever know what color dinosaurs were if we cannot go back and see them. And we need to fix things in our past. Like embarrassing moments. Like when I asked Michelle Walker to marry me. And she laughed at me. Loudly. And then told all her friends. And they all laughed at me. Loudly. That was tough on a seven year-old's ego. Worst week of my life.

5. Space Age Clothing. This should have been the easy one. We kept coming out with all these synthetic fabrics. Even came out with some futuristic designs. Will men ever embrace the one-piece silver jumpsuit? And how nice would it be to see ladies in outfits like those worn in Barbarella?

I could go on, but I'm sure you get it. It's getting close to dinner time. Before I eat, I wanted to look over this book some tall, weird-looking guy handed me. It must be some kind of religious thing. It's called "To Serve Man". Plus, my wife is cooking up my favorite, a nice hot bowl of soylent blue. I do think it's much more tastier than soylent green was.


Dubber said...

1. Dude, monkeys fling poo. It's bad enough when the dog craps on the carpet, but imagine your walls covered in monkey poo. Dogs are definitely the way to go.

2. The flying car is a bad idea too. People can barely stay in their lane on a single horizontal plane, let alone the vertical.

3. I'm with ya on the lightsaber though. Electric knives and hedge clippers are so antiquated--I want to carve the Thanksgiving turkey with laser precision.

4. Michelle Walker?

5. Space-age fibers chafe and make you sweat. Cotton, my man. Cotton.

Scott said...

John, John, John.
1. First, we are talking domesticated monkeys. This behavior would be eliminated. Remember, dogs are now extinct. Secondly, you simply train your monkey to pick up after itself.

2. Flying cars don't kill people. People kill people. You can program the cars to keep them out of way of other cars. And mountains, and buildings, and pet monkeys. You could even teach your monkey to drive it for you. And just think, no more traffic jams.

3. Damn skippy. Lightsabers have to be greatest invention never invented. The homage in Hichhiker's Guide with the bread cutter/toaster - priceless.

4. Yes. Michelle Walker.

5. If your pet monkey is doing all the work, you wouldn't be sweating.

You are just WAY TOO PRAGMATIC for all this. Maybe it's negative thinking like yours that's held us back from the utopian (or nihilistic) future we are supposed to be living in. Maybe your lawyeriness is a cover for your part in the conspiracy.

Next you'll be telling me what you think soylent blue is made from.

Scott said...

If only I had realized, I could have turned this into a Top 6 kind of list. What else are we missing out from the future that never was and always will be?

Kelley said...

Spage-age clothing? Check this out:

Scott said...

Yay, Kelley! That's the spirit! If we were wearing hug shirts right now, I would be sending one your way!